Kirby 64: The Awful Plot Devices
by PMOR
Summary: A parody of Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards for the NIntendo 64.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Plot Devices Everywhere!

KIRBY 64: THE CRYSTAL SHARDS starts with a cutscene of a heart with a face, three smaller hearts attached to it, and a ring. It doesn't seem to serve any importance at first. Oh, and it's in space. Then we move on to land to see a bunch of fairies flying, but that's lame. Suddenly, some dark fog covers the sky, and the heart-shaped planet. Indoors, RIBBON and some other person no one cares about are watching over a giant crystal for some reason. We assume that it's important to the game somehow. RIBBON grabs it, and a hole in the ceiling appears, and she flies up with it.

RIBBON takes one giant look at the heart planet, which is almost completely covered in dark smog, or whatever that's supposed to be. Three eyes with darkness surrounding them start to chase her, and the chase is on!

RIBBON: Could this game get any more ridiculous? This thing is holding me back!

RIBBON sits on it and hovers away from them, even though she has wings to fly with. One of them hits her, and then all three of them send her crashing into a star planet with two rings ringing around it.  
>The TITLE SCREEN has KIRBY, KING DEDEDE, RIBBON, and a PAINTER. Oh, and a WADDLE DEE for some reason. The background looks like a green-and-white checkerboard. THE PLAYER selects a new file, and the first thing the game asks is:<p>

"Do you know how to use Kirby's Copy Ability?"

Despite it being painfully obvious, the PLAYER chooses "Nope!" The player is treated to a tutorial with a white-and-blue checkerboard floor and background. The only thing we learned from the tutorial was that we can combine two abilities. After this, they ask if you want to view it again. Of course not!

KIRBY is seen crashing from the sky to the ground for some reason. He gets up to see RIBBON on the floor, with a CRYSTAL SHARD. Another one of these things falls on KIRBY's head. RIBBON wakes up. They look at each other, and then look at the sky. There are shooting stars. They both go on a journey to...do something.

The star planet name turns out to be Pop Star. The PLAYER clicks on it, and is taken to a screenshot of a torn sketchbook page with a crayon drawing of a planet, and the first level next to it.

KIRBY: Obviously if I clicked on it, I want to go to the ONLY AVAILABLE LEVEL. Why can't it just take me there automatically?

The first level is a generic forest like place. The music there is really good. The first ability he gets is FIRE. The PLAYER notices that KIRBY's appearance didn't change.

KIRBY: That's stupid. If my appearance doesn't change, then there's almost no point in copying abilities.

KIRBY goes inside of a wooden house and fights this huge gray monster. Smaller versions of it keep spawning from the sky. KIRBY tosses his FIRE ability away and swallows the smaller ones and spits them into the bigger one. No, this is not sex.

KIRBY goes out from the other side.

KIRBY: Why is there a door on the other side?

He keeps going and eating stuff, finishing the rest of the level. The next cutscene shows a WADDLE DEE holding a CRYSTAL SHARD, before DARK MATTER takes over him.

Meanwhile, KIRBY and RIBBON see WADDLE DEE sitting there.

KIRBY: Hey Waddle Dee! Even though we're enemies, and I should probably just kick your butt right there, it's nice to see you!

WADDLE DEE turns to him with ONE HUGE EYE.

KIRBY: OH DEAR LORD WTF IS THIS THING!

The battle consists of WADDLE DEE either crashing into the sides, or jumping and crashing on the ground. Oh, and shitting out stars that you can swallow and spit at him. After you beat him, he throws out the CRYSTAL SHARD, and DARK MATTER goes away. RIBBON and KIRBY high-five, and they go on a life changing journey with WADDLE DEE. The end of the level shows KIRBY in front of a blanket, with a bunch of food scattered. As KIRBY turns left and right, you have to press A at the right time to jump towards a spot. If he misses, he cries. What a baby.

The next level is a forest at sunset. You eventually go inside of a tree stump.

KIRBY: Didn't they have something like this in Ocarina of Time?

He can go up through circular platforms, but not other ones for some reason. He goes up, and gets out from a door to the right, and then goes on a wooden platform hanging from a clothes wire or something. WADDLE DEE is on top.

KIRBY: Weren't you just with us?

WADDLE DEE: Get on, and you can go to the other side!

He gets on, and a CRYSTAL SHARD turns out to be hidden in the middle of the path, under the platform.

KIRBY: Did they honestly think we wouldn't find it just RIGHT THERE?

WADDLE DEE: Must keep moving...

He goes inside another tree stump, and this time he has to go down.

KIRBY: How did cake end up here? It might be expired by now, but oh well. NOMNOMNOM.

KIRBY goes down and has to fight this giant spring monster. It is fought much like the monster from the last level, expect that it...bounces in place.

KIRBY: Could they not rehash boss ideas for once? I know this is a mini-boss, but still.

RIBBON: Nope! You may fight a few more just like it, and that's if you're lucky.

KIRBY beats it, and then it shows a cutscene of ADELEINE painting something. A CRYSTAL SHARD drops down besides her. She picks it up, and DARK MATTER forms on the painting and possesses her. KIRBY, RIBBON, and WADDLE DEE (despite still being on that platform thingy) merrily run up to ADELEINE, whose eyes are closed. She opens them, and smiles evilly. The PLAYER realizes that shit's about to go down.

KIRBY: Shit just got real.

ADELEINE draws four generic monsters that come to life, which KIRBY swallows.

WADDLE DEE: Dude, why don't you just draw multiple Meta Knights or something?

ADELEINE draws a brown undecipherable...thing. Again, KIRBY swallows it.

KIRBY: Your art is beginning to look like crap.

ADELEINE: You actually ate that piece of shit?

KIRBY: Why not? There wasn't much food here.

ADELEINE draws a monster that sends out ice blocks. KIRBY swallows and spits them back at it.

KIRBY: You're trying so hard to defeat me, and you're drawing monsters whose parts I can swallow?

She draws a giant eye with blackness surrounding it. The battle with it is just like the two other minibosses from before. KIRBY defeats it, and the BOSS comes on stage herself and tries to attack him, but a sliding kick sends her back. KIRBY gets yet another CRYSTAL SHARD.

KIRBY high-fives WADDLE DEE, who did nothing. ADELEINE joins them.

KIRBY: Oh cool! You can draw us this giant monster to defeat whoever the big bad is, right?

ADELEINE: Nope! Instead, I'll use my abilities for things you won't even need!

KIRBY: How bout food?

ADELEINE: Don't push it. Oh, and I should warn you, that I'm a yaoi fangirl, which means I draw yaoi fanart.

KIRBY: That, I didn't need to know.

Despite having a bunch of people in his group, you don't actually see them unless they're needed to get through certain obstacles.

The next level seems like yet another generic forest, at first. Then he enters a castle. He goes on an irrelevant moving platform, and then goes up. For some reason, there's a hole on top of the castle.

KIRBY: Excuse me for a second; I'm going to eat this squishy old tomato.

He eats it, and then goes on and fights a bunch of enemies. He drops down another hole, and finda a Crystal Shard under a green block.

KIRBY: Perfect timing! I have the cutter ability!

Nothing happens as he cuts through it, so he goes to the next room and sees ADELEINE.

KIRBY: How did you get here before me?

ADELEINE draws a tomato so he can restore his health.

KIRBY: OOH! LUNCH!

ADELEINE: Go already.

He goes to the next room, which has stairs, a fountain, and some lovely rainbow windows. There are also chains that he must climb up to get to the outside world. From the very top, KING DEDEDE is watching. He sees a PLOT DEVICE….sorry, I meant CRYSTAL SHARD in the center. KIRBY tries to reach for it, but DEDEDE grabs it. He's able to put it out of KIRBY's reach, even though KIRBY can just float and grab it. Suddenly, DARK MATTER encases him in a dark orb and drops him to the ground. He gets back up, and appears to be floating.

How is that scary when DEDEDE _already has the ability to float? _No one knows.

KIRBY fights him. Because his Copy Ability is Flaming Sword (Fire + Cutter), he is able to beat DEDEDE in three hits. DEDEDE comes back for more, but this time he's floating in the air.

KIRBY: Big deal, I can do that too. In fact, I can JUMP just high enough to reach you and smack you around with this.

He hits DEDEDE three more times, and gets the CRYSTAL SHARD. KIRBY, RIBBON, and ADELEINE jump off the castle top. WADDLE DEE does too, followed by DEDEDE. Now hopefully, ADELEINE and WADDLE DEE are dead. But of course, the power of plot will keep them alive, and that's just discouraging.

The next level is a boss we all know and love (well, hate): WHISPY WOODS!

KIRBY: FINALLY A BOSS THAT'S NOT A REHASH!

DEDEDE: I wasn't rehashed…much.

WHISPY WOODS spits out apples, and has three tree stumps around him that shoot wind projectiles from their mouths or something. Oh, and if you hit them, WHISPY WOODS takes damage. This is relatively easy.

TREE STUMPS: Sweet! We haven't given blowjobs in such a long time!

When they're defeated, WHISPY WOODS turns red and shakes off more apples. Instead of tree stumps, he sends four spikes to your area. Again, he takes damage if you hit them. To the credit of the boss, they don't stay there for long, but it's still pretty easy. This goes on for a while, and WHISPY WOODS is defeated.

KIRBY: I'm ready for Round 10! But I guess you're all worn out. You're coming with us, right?

WW: Noooo..

KIRBY gets the SHARD OF DOOM and a STAR SHAPED PORTAL opens up. RIBBON comes in, and then the rest of them do. By now, the viewers are wondering why DARK MATTER hasn't tried to possess KIRBY.

WHAT PLANET WILL THEY GO THROUGH NEXT? FIND OUT!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 - Part 1

Ribbon's Uselessness

The next world is Rock Star, which consists of just hovering rocks orbiting around...bigger hovering rocks.

KIRBY: How the hell am I supposed to get in here? Also, if the levels are drawn in a sketchbook, then how exactly DO I get there? Is it some sort of undecipherable map or something?

The first stage of Rock Star starts as a generic desert area. It even has cactuses in the background, because what's the point of having a desert area without its props, right? Some of the enemies are shaped like cacti, meaning the cacti in the background are UTTERLY UNNECESSARY.

There is also a fire enemy, which he swallows.

KIRBY: Sweet! This means I can turn all the sand into glass and slide through everything!

Sadly, it does nothing but turn him into a dashing fireball.

KIRBY: Why even have fire enemies if there are no puzzles or anything that involve me turning sand into glass? Oh look, someone thought they could hide a sandwich from me around a bunch of blocks. Finders keepers!

KIRBY (despite having a Copy Ability at the time) manages to eat it. Later on, he also meets some enemies that look like sand blobs with faces.

KIRBY: Maybe that's what the Fire ability is for. All right, it didn't go to waste!

BLOBS OF SAND: I'm gonna put sand in your eyes when you sleep!

KIRBY defeats these guys. Unfortunately, they just crumble. Disappointed, KIRBY goes into a blocky sand building. There are generic enemies and floating blocks with a hovering CRYSTAL SHARD above the middle one. Guess which one the PLAYER is more interested in?

KIRBY: Even though we can just ignore these lame enemies, I'm going to waste about 10 seconds of my time just fighting them.

After that, he goes on the floating blocks and gets the CRYSTAL SHARD. There is a square hole in the ceiling with sand leaking out.

RIBBON: That doesn't look good...

KIRBY goes through it and encounters, once again, ANOTHER rehashed boss idea. This time, it's a big four-sided cactus that bounces around. Oh, and a bunch of smaller ones fall from the air.

KIRBY: Sorry to ask, but shouldn't you be in the 'Rejected Bosses Gallery'?

KIRBY defeats the miniboss because if there's one boss you don't want to lose to, it's the one you've fought multiple times already. He then gets another PLOT DEVICE.

RIBBON: We're getting so much closer to finding them all! Only about 69 more to go!

The next room has quicksand flooding the area, and also climbable bricks, even though KIRBY can just hover. There are only a few obstacles. The sand turns out to be coming from a head statue. WADDLE DEE breaks a hole into a ceiling, and KIRBY follows him as the hole fills up with sand.

KIRBY: Wait a minute, you mean I could have skipped most of this level?

WADDLE DEE is nowhere to be found.

KIRBY: Hey, where'd he go?

RIBBON: What's a pond doing on top of a mountain?

KIRBY: Doesn't matter, let's keep moving.

They go through some generic obstacles and complete the level. KIRBY wins a 1UP from the picnic minigame. The next level turns out to be some sort of forest with falling pillars…

KIRBY: At least it's not totally generic…

And some of the same enemies from the previous level (including the cacti).

KIRBY: Not these guys again.

The next room has a central structure with a CRYSTAL SHARD blocked off by an unbreakable wall.

RIBBON: Despite the fact that I can just fly around the 2D plane and get it, I'll just sit there and do nothing, because you can't expect me to do anything.

They go through the middle of it and keep going to the left…to see the CRYSTAL SHARD blocked by an even taller unbreakable wall.

KIRBY: Seriously, why don't you do something useful for a change and get me that shard?

RIBBON: Huh?

KIRBY: Never mind, those shards can collect themselves. Say, what happens when you collect all of them?

RIBBON: Ummm…

The next room is dark, except for a bunch of platforms that form an X shape. And ghost enemies that throw flames at them. There is also a CRYSTAL SHARD floating below the middle platform.

KIRBY: I have to get that, don't I?

RIBBON: Yep!

KIRBY: Oh come on! All you have to do is fly there and get it!

RIBBON: But you can jump down and get it, and then float back up.

KIRBY gets it, and then RIBBON flies around KIRBY, grabs it, and goes back in…his mouth?

KIRBY: I gotta ask, what is the point in making me do it, when you're just going to show off like that? Oh, you're off screen again.

The next area has blocks that are far apart, with water below. Oh, and those fish enemies that just splash around.

KIRBY: Wow, this is too easy.

RIBBON: Well, what were you expecting, for the enemies to turn into great leviathans or something?

KIRBY stands on a big gray block, which RISES TO THE CEILING AND SQUISHES HIM.

-AREA 4, 4 LIVES REMAIN-

KIRBY: At least I don't have to start from the beginning of the level. Say, how did I end up here?

He floats over all of the obstacles and heads to the next area, which consists of cannons shooting at the PLAYER from the background, and some enemies.

KIRBY: It's been a while since I've used a copy ability. I think I'll try out Ice + Lightning.

The combined ability turns him into…a refrigerator.

RIBBON: Where's your mouth? If I open the bottom door, will it be inside? Or is this whole bottom door your mouth? If so, that would be just weird. I mean, your eyes are visible, but your-

KIRBY launches food at Ribbon.

KIRBY: This is AWESOME! We can camp out here all day! Now this is a real picnic.

ONE HOUR LATER.

RIBBON: Can we advance the plot now?

KIRBY: Yeah, whatever.

As soon as KIRBY goes through the door, KING DEDEDE goes barging in, and the door shuts itself.

KIRBY: Well, if that isn't cliché. I'm just going to ignore the fact that you were following me, and just conveniently showed up. Hey, Dedede, you missed the best picnic ever!

DEDEDE: You're not still mad about missing the food in that picnic minigame, are you? Loosen up a little; it's all in good fun.

KIRBY: No seriously, we camped out here for a few hours, and had all of the food we could eat.

DEDEDE: Sounds awesome! Get on my back.

KIRBY: Yay piggyback ride!

DEDEDE takes out his BIGASS HAMMER and starts wrecking everything in sight.

KIRBY: Hey, if you could break stone walls, can we go back and get the Crystal Shard from the way beginning? Ribbon here was too lazy to fly around the 2D plane to get it.

DEDEDE: No, we'll just find a way to get it later. Hey, there's one above us. I'll just-

RIBBON flies up and gets it once again.

KIRBY: WE DON'T NEED YOU, GO-

RIBBON: We're getting closer to collecting them all every time!

DEDEDE: There's the door. You ready?

KIRBY: Yep. This time, we're in this together.

They go through the door, and the minigame is exactly the same as before. DEDEDE, ADELEINE, and WADDLE DEE are eating in front of him.

KIRBY: Hey, I thought we would get to do it together. Didn't you guys eat a couple of minutes ago?

WADDLE DEE: Yeah, all of that work really pooped us out.

KIRBY: I get that, but is it really necessary to eat after every level? Only about ten minutes pass in between each one.

DEDEDE: You took a long time to even get to the last room.

KIRBY: Yeah, but you were following me, and could have assisted me earlier.

KIRBY misses and starts crying, despite having had a buffet a couple of minutes ago. Everyone else laughs.

DEDEDE: I guess your picnic wasn't so great after all!


End file.
